Miss. Self

This is not a post about selfishness, by the way. That will be left for another long post.

I was sitting on my bed. Which actually was our downstairs-basement-guestroom-couch. I call it my bed because the yellow vintage quilt was spread on top, for some serious sleeping. Insomnia had been tucked in my pillow, you see.

The light was off, and I was stuck staring at one star (half tempted to quote the "Star night, star bright, first star I see tonight...") which seemed to be moving towards my right. It really wasn't, but it seemed to be.

After a long thought about stars, I began thinking about my day, and myself. My first thought:

Me: Just what exactly am I doing on this scratchy old couch?

Self: Just be quiet, I'm trying to sleep.

Me: *snorts* Ha, upset about today again.

Self: Yeah, I always am.

Me: I think you're a bit to perfectionistic.

I sat up. One of those hug your knees situations when you  rock back and forth.

Self: Hey Me? Do you think anyone really knows me?

Me: Hmm. I don't think so.

I paused. I bit my lip. I sighed. That day had been another day in a row where someone had asked if I was alright. I laughed and said, "Yup! Just thinking!"

Me: You know, why don't you just tell people what's wrong.

Self: You know I can't! They'd see straight through me. That can't happen.

That night - the whole week in fact - I was a complete grouch. My siblings made a wide arch around me. I didn't care. I just wanted to be left alone. Just to die. Nothing was worth living for. No one could ever understand me.

Praying was useless. Not because God didn't hear, I just couldn't pray.

I won't tell you the rest. I'd rather keep it to myself.

The night ended peacefully. After my explosion of tears. I read and re-read the story of the 'very sinful' woman who washed Jesus's feet with her tears and hair. I loved what He said to her. Because He said the very same thing to me. (Luke 7:36-50)

I dragged my pillow, bible and quilt back upstairs. Old couches aren't meant to be slept on anyways.

1 comment

  1. God is always there for you, Bethany! And remember, I'm praying for you, and if you ever want to talk, or need someone to listen, I'm here!

    I love you!


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Maira Gall