1.1.12

this year.

Via Laurie Eno
They like to write. They have amazing grammar and sentences that bring to you life. Needless to say, that isn't me. At all. I don't think it would change much if I had the perfect grammar and inspiring sentences, or even something worthwhile to write about. I do not like writing. Because half the time, it's fake. My writing is fake. Sometimes I'm fake.

I don't like being unreal. But being real is hard. It hurts. But I want to be real. And I want my real self, to be worth it. I want my true self...to be perfect?

It's so horribly confusing, because whether my fake self, myself, or myself-wanna-be is me, it's horribly imperfect. Every night, I brought my imperfectness, and my hopes for what I could be, to God. You know, you bring everything to God, right? I never really thought at how much I complained - and for what avail? Doesn't God know that I'm a hopeless mess? Why do I need to remind Him every night (and remind myself) and moan over every single one of my short comings and what a horrible person I am.

I am horrible. Always was. All have sinned - and I certainly am not an exception.

I sat down and groaned. How could You love me? Every day I even try to serve you - I fail.

And I...my brow knit in concentration (I recently discovered it does knit in concentration - which makes me feel intelligent)...but You didn't. 

He didn't. He didn't. Not once. All my mistakes just proved the obvious. I fail. And all His over-comings proved He didn't. Where did I get this idea that I can serve God and that I can overcome? Each day just proved I couldn't - and each day proved that He could.

Serving God isn't something I can do. Only He shows the way, and provides the way, and is the way.

This year, Jesus Christ is my priority. He's all I have, all I am, and all I can be. I think that's enough for life, and I think that is my life.

13 comments

  1. Amen! So many times we fail, but Christ never gives up on us.

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  2. Amen.

    Happy New Year to you and yours! I love your new header, by the way. 'Come Thou Fount' is one of my favorite hymns. :)

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  3. Lovely post, dear. Often times, as I sit and write, I too just stop because something whispers in my ear, "this isn't truly you."

    Sometimes it is hard to be real, especially when you have the powerful tool of fluent writing, and are able to describe life as something picture perfect.

    Thank you for the lovely reminder that being real is so much more beautiful then being perfectly fake.

    Blessings,
    --Johanna
    www.theoldfashionedgirl.com

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  4. postscript :: I adore your new design. *smile*

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  5. This is good, Bethany. This is beautiful.

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  6. You sound like me...that was exactly what I was like last night. I sat in my bed thinking of how horrible I was...thinking how God could ever call me His daughter or even allow me to be with Him some day in His kingdom !

    I thought for a long time...and then I prayed. I couldn't believe that God wanted me as His own...but He does. And so I prayed and told God that He had me.Completely...that He could do whatever He wanted to do with me...and after I prayed and talked to God, I felt peace and God by my side...

    This year, I also am focusing on Christ as my main priorty...my main focus. And I'm giving myself completely to Him...He can do whatever He wants with me...

    Beautiful post,Bethany...I love you.

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  7. @ Sarah - *hugs* I missed you last Sunday!! Grace is one of the greatest mysteries. It's so easy to focus on ourselves and groan, but we have to hold to our only salvation - Christ.

    To all, thank you for all the lovely comments! I hope you all are enjoying the new year.

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  8. BTW: I REALLLYYYY like your new header!

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  9. Amen. Just ... amen.

    Postscript: [insert long and intelligent agreement]

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  10. wow. this is, this is...wow.

    love,
    Grace

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Maira Gall