29.4.13

the pit //

 V I A
Sometimes, I realize how hopelessly ridiculous I am.
 "If I have a good book and a bottle of Raspberry Tea Snapple, my evening will be bliss."
But a glass of Snapple, a good three-hour long book, and whatever else that stands on my alter of "if-I-have-this-my-life-will-be-happy-for-a-good-while" isn't life sustaining. It doesn't last. Although it can be delicious. No doubt about that. And sometimes it takes something as pathetic as a sip of Raspberry Snapple to make a science test brighter. ANYWAY.

I feel, think, determine - whatever you call that thought process in my head - that a lot of people struggle with depression. Perhaps glossed over by a 'nicer' term - such as tiredness, lack of motivation - you name it. But it's all similar with that same exhausted, meaningless emptiness stuck in the bottom of your stomach - and nothing is going to change your outlook on life. At least, not for a long time - and definitely not forever.

I'm completely frustrated by all the spiritual saints (countless ones, at that) who found God - good for them.  All the joy, the encouragment, all the amazing wealth people had found and treasured in Christ just...wasn't me. (At times yes, but more often than not, I would sit on my bed and lecture myself and fall asleep feeling completely guilty...)
"There is no pit so deep, that God's love is not deeper still." - Bestie ten Boom
I don't want to be some crazy spiritual person - because I know I never will be like that. We can't all be a Paul (and if you want my opinion, he had just as many struggles as we did). I just want Christ and Christ only and Christ that fulfills all that emptiness and crazy blah. I hate walking around feeling like the worst Christian whoever walked the earth because each day brings more guilt.

For heavens sake, Bethany - I was told - this is normal Christian life. It's all ups and downs. Always. Sometimes the ups are bigger than the downs. I was assured that all those down moments were perfectly fine, and they'd always be with me.

Ha. Reeeaaal comforting. Except, rather comforting, because now I had a wonderful excuse for my spiritual depression.

Truly, really? Was that just some big lie we as Christians smear to cover up the emptiness of our "longing" relationship with God? Was all I guaranteed a relationship here on earth of ups and downs - with this depression thing?

Of course there are those times when we're so down in a pit that life seems hopeless - and of course God always gets us out - always. But I'm saying is, do we have a right to smooth over that pit and laugh it off as "normal" Christianity? Yes, all Christians struggle. But it doesn't mean it's right, does it? Yes, those pains and doubts are often used to test us - and the hottest fires refine us - but we still have a choice of how we think and how we act.

When we're stuck in that pit of despair, we shouldn't just sit and moan our heads off (since that's what you're supposed to do - of course). Cry to God, and He'll get you through - but don't embrace depression and don't make excuses for your lack of faith just because it's "normal".

Because, by the way, life is too short to waste time feeling guilty. If Christ covers - He covers all. And the guilt is needless if we're saved, it's no longer something that can trap us. Because by God's grace, Christ covers all //

2 comments

  1. The last two paragraphs I just loved. another thing I've learned is that if we're feeling down and not feeling like we have much of a spiritual life, it's not God's fault, it's ours, for not realizing how great He is and how much He loves us. It takes time to think about Him but it's so worth it. Anyway, I'll end my little rant. I just wanted to say this post was really good.

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  2. i know how you feel i had that one time i will be parying for you

    laura hintz

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Maira Gall