really old | nursing assistant

 Last week, did I know what an ostomy was? Sure didn't. After a terribly detailed video of all you would EVER want to know about ostomy care, I felt ready to throw up. Seriously, nursing assistants do pretty gross stuff (this actually wasn't one of the worst), but for some reason, it struck me as WAY too disgusting and nauseating. Especially the stoma. Grossness. It hurts my intestines just thinking about it.

Did you know your body can have billions of breakdowns? And unfortunately, I wasn't aware until I began homework and came across a "little introduction" to abbreviations consisting of five pages long. And I still don't know any of them.

I'm taking an accelerated class every other day at a small branch of a tech college. It's eight hours long of sitting in swivel chairs, which are too tall for my short legs; I'm surprised I don't have edema or something. The instructor is sweet and fun, and gave us "stress relievers" (like those squishy, prickly balls) to fiddle with while she lectured. Tips on staying awake: take notes, draw, print off power points, ask stupid questions, and swivel in the too-tall swivel chair.

I'm not a good nursing assistant. Not only do I have a power outage when it comes to exams (which are like, every other class and consist of million page long chapters), but I also hugged the Chocking Charlie rather than giving him the Heimlich maneuver. On accident of course (I did eventually get the meatball out, after I learned to use my fists and not my arms). My poor classmate, in subjection as my dummy for oral hygiene, gagged when I brushed her tongue...and the toothpaste went flying.

Did I mention I broke the printer at the computer lab? Yes, my name is Bethany, and I break almost every single appliance I touch.

I took a quiz ten times before I finally got a 100. Half the time, they were the same questions. Brilliance...(this was just for review, but we were supposed to retake it until we got to 100)

The homework is hard - and my brain refuses to shut off what I've learned, so my new routine is reading The  Hardy Boys until I fall asleep (and I laugh my head off from all it's cheesiness, but it works!) Bed baths (I have a test on that!!) - normal care in general - is about ten million times more complicated because of standard precautions. And by the way, before you put on gloves, make sure they're not on backwards. Okay?

I cannot figure out other people's microwaves, and I bravely humbled myself to find someone to PLEASE EXPLAIN how to start the microwave before I died from starvation. Because I don't know how to work vending machines, either.

Yes, I'm homeschooled.

I parked the big red van in two parking spaces and spent forever backing and rebacking...

I'm also the youngest - which is awkward.

"Are you graduated"



"I'm a Junior"

(big fat lie, because technically I'm not yet)



I also unintentionally lied that I have nine siblings. When I realized that I only have eight (but counting me it's nine!)

So yeah, I'm probably the worst college student that ever took one class at college. I feel old. But according to my book, being old doesn't necessarily mean you're mature. Ha, well....you're telling me!


  1. You totally cracked me up! I'm sure you'll do fine when you become a Nursing Assistant! ;) Good luck!

  2. Hahaha....I'm thinking about going for oncology nursing. So cool your training to be a nursing assistant.

  3. Oncology...does that have to do with the intestines? Despite going into CNA, I still don't know ANY of the terms. :D


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Maira Gall