when God sees the heart.

I woke up early and started the morning as I usually do: Bible, a thought provoking book (namely, The Hole in Our Holiness), journaling and prayer. Today, however, was...shocking, really. The more and more I read about God's holiness, what God has called me to - what God has saved me for (and it sure ain't for my glory) - the more and more and more and more and more I realized something horribly shocking:

I'm not as great as I thought I was.

I couldn't believe my pride when it was contrasted to the humility of my Savior. I couldn't believe my disobedience when it was contrasted to the call for obedience in the scriptures. I couldn't believe my lack of self-control, my ignorance/nonchalance about holy living - about actually living for God.

It was pathetic. Pathetically pathetic.

I realized most of my Christian life is trying to get out of guilt - guilt free. It's not just a horrible way to live it's just bad theology. (2 Cor 7:10)

Somehow, I thought I was super spiritual by making the claim that "I'm just clinging to God's grace everyday" when in reality - I clung to God's grace to cover me for any personal duty on my part.

Because I admit - dying to self, loving God, serving God, obeying God, confessing sin, taking the hobby of humility...holy guacamole that hurts. It's hard. It's...out my my way takes too much time hard. It doesn't just happen, you know. It involves sweat and tears.

A lot of tears.

It involves the realization that I am nothing - and that God is everything. And that indeed my "old creature" that I'm supposed to shed is still a good part of me. (Eph. 4:22-24)

And after all of this bombarded my brain - my question was just:

HOW? How God, can you still be waiting for me?

Because if I were God, I probably would've left me in the miserable pit I dug.

Yet God is God. God is faithful and He doesn't deny Himself (2 Tim 2:13). And yes I'll always be imperfect in this imperfect world. (Phil. 3:12)

But I don't get to let it beat me. What is the Holy Spirit here for if I just ignore the transforming power of God and shrug my shoulders all the while smiling, "Oh, I'm just clinging to Your grace God." (Romans 6:1-2)

But God's grace has the power to transform. To heal. To make weak worms who are afraid of their own shadow to turn into courageous lambs before the wolves of the world.(Luke 10:3)

1 comment

  1. You always have such good points. I tend to be a prideful person. Most of the time I try to be humble to others, and deny myself to others. But in my heart I still harbor pride. Pride is one of the hardest sins to deal with because it is a built in feeling that we are so used to...we don't even realize when we are being prideful unless we actually think about it.

    But yeah, we deserve credit for nothing, and that is the interesting thing. Knowing that we are truly nothing special without God. God is everything special about us because he created us, and saved us. Ahhh you are just so right and there isn't much more to say about it. You said it all haha! It is hard to come away from reading your blog without feeling convicted about something.

    Never stop walking with God. Never stop reading His word.


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Maira Gall