Mammy's Little Baby Hates Shortening

Never use shortening. Never ever again. 
Perhaps because it never comes off your hands.
Perhaps because it never comes off your dishes.
Perhaps because it smells like fake refrigerated cookie dough and burnt onions.
Or. Perhaps because it ruins cookies.
In short. If a recipe has shortening: burn it.

The day I used shortening and ruined two batches - three batches - of cookies, I had just returned from ruining eighteen turtles at the candy shop. Miss Lindsey was very sweet in suggesting that we could (maybe?) pour more fudge around the sides and make it match. Maybe as in - lets just hope people aren't grossed out by this batch of questionable-looking fudge turtles. 
(I put a pecan upside-down as a garnish. Oops.)

I'll end with something to get stuck in your head.
Shortning Bread by The Andrews Sisters on Grooveshark  


  1. "Shortening" is rather indistinct, as it refers to an entire group of substances: Lard, butter, and hydrogenated vegetable oil among other things. Which "shortening" do you not like?

    I never can get lard to do what I want, but some people will only use it, and it works for them.

    Shortening bread is Butter, Sugar, and Flour (optional). I joke a bit, but not much. I happen to like butter. If you prefer you may use any shortening in substitution.

    Which brings me back to my question: Which shortening do you not like?

    1. I'm prone to dramatic outbursts. ;) What I call "shortening" is, in fact, lard. Which makes me wary. But I didn't know butter was considered shortening - thank you for enlightening me! =)

  2. Oh stop it. I ate lots of those cookies an never did I taste a bad one. They were very good.

  3. Are you sure it was lard? Lard is piggy fat you know Bethany. It isn't as available in stores. Are you sure it wasn't VEGGIE STUFF?!

    1. Actually, I've seen it a lots of stores, Walmart, I know for sure has it.

    2. Huh. I have never seen it at walmart. There definitely isn't as much of it. Not as many people use it.

  4. Guys. I was attempting to be hilarious. I don't know WHAT it is. But it's Crisco stuff (veggie? LARD?) and it made the cookies crunchy and nasty.
    Even though I ate...like...three.
    But that was because of the extreme stress levels rising as I tried to balance my bank account. =)

  5. Hey! I just found your blog, and it's beyond lovely! :)
    And wow - I sympathize with you on the yucky cookies. Butter is the only way to go!

  6. I HATE shortening. It is so not right!! (even though we use the Crisco stuff, the veggie stuff, to get tree sap off of us) ;)

  7. Ha! IMHO Crisco would ONLY ever be useful to remove tree sap. LOL. That stuff will kill ya. (Maybe literally.) Use butter...or real home-rendered lard from pastured piggies that hasn't been hydrogenated (yes, they sell hydrogenated lard in Walmart). One video showing the way "vegetable" oils, margarine, and "Crisco" is made, and you'll never use them again! But it sounds like you don't need any extra convincing anyway. ;)


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Maira Gall