13.1.15

where am I now?

Everything used to be a simple repetition. Wake up, go to sleep, wake up again.
As I grew up, I wanted to make the best out of the life I was given. I prioritized my day, dreamed up the most fantastic goals ever, and had an ongoing vision that everyday I was going to praise Jesus and do hard things.

This was all in my head for, "after I get my license" or "after I graduate highschool" or "when I'm eighteen" . . .

But here it is upon me. I'm living in the days I dreamed of - but where am I?  
It looks nothing like I thought it would be.

The dirty truth is that I still fail. I have unmotivated spells. I still cry in my daddy's arms. I usually almost always let people down. I (most of the time) hate myself. I still have dreams of when I'm going pull it altogether in the perfect life of purpose.

No one ever thinks they will be perfect, but that was sorta my mindset. I thought I'd have everything figured out by now.  
News Flash: I don't.

I guess it's just a matter of waking up tomorrow and discovering where I am right now. Not somewhere down the road or somewhere in the past.
I'm here right now.
. . .what am I gonna do?

12 comments

  1. I'm an "all about the future" girl here, too. And now the "future" is here. I don't really know what happened . . . or how it happened. Don't hate yourself though, okay? ;)

    I'll end this with a fave quote: "wherever you are, be all there." Jim Elliot

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    1. @ Kendra - Agh. We are way to kindred spirity. =) And I love that quote, BTWs.

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  2. Hey, I feel this way too!

    One thing that is transforming my life: every morning meditating on Scripture, allowing that to guide reflections on my struggles, my sins, my triumphs, and God Himself, and praying, using the Lord's Prayer as a template. (This also requires me to get up every morning.) You really can't get the perspective, energy, and confidence you need to be a Grown Up without prayer!

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    1. @ Bailey - right! Those were my thoughts, too. Little side story: right as I was about to sit down and have a good God talk - Caroline breathlessly bursts in the room announcing that mom is gone, the cat made a mess all over the floor, and would I please make her a sandwich for lunch? ^_^

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  3. I know how you feel... This is me...

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    1. Hey anon - I'm getting the impression this is probably everyone! Weird, right? While I think it's good to be like, "yes, this is where I am right now", I think the next step for all of us is to sit down and find a vision and change the now that we are in. What do you think?

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    2. That's how I feel too!!! (It's horrible!!!) :(
      PS: What kind of camera do you have?? It takes awesome pictures!!! ;)

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    3. I totally agree! It's hard not to become depressed about your present, mostly because it feels like everything's falling apart simply because nothings put together. And yes, I'm realized more and more often that I'm not the only one thinking this way... :D
      You're very right. I'm given this moment, and whether or not it's all I thought it'd be, I can make it worth remembering; and with the Lord's help, my teenage years will not be wasted on my disappointments :)

      P.S. Hannah Piotraschke ;)

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    4. @ Hannah - Hi. =)

      @ Josephine - Camera. . .um. . .It's a DSLR (which apparently means something, I don't know what.) But the model is a Nikon D3000. It's rather on the expensive side. :D

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    5. Hi :)
      Wow! I want a DSLR camera!!! Yeah, I know it means something good, too; but I really couldn't explain why it does :P All I know is that it's an awesome (though expensive) camera! Hannah P

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    6. @Bethany: Thanks! I have a really cheap camera that is broken... Forgot what it was called and we have a broken Nikon camera... And it's awesome, but mom can't seem to find the time to fix it!! :(

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  4. It's not right that you hate yourself so much, but yet I love you so much. Don't hate yourself. :)

    I love you more than I can understand myself. It's overwhelming.

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